Understanding Today’s Children: A New Lens for Parents
Many of us look at the behaviour of children and young people today and think, “I would never have spoken to an adult like that!” It’s easy to jump to judgement, but today’s children are growing up in a world very different from the one we knew.
In his book The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt describes what he calls “The Great Rewiring.” He explains why children and teenagers seem so different today and how their development is being shaped by changes in childhood itself.
From Play-Based Childhoods to Phone-Based Childhoods
Haidt highlights that childhood used to be built around play, outdoor adventures, problem-solving with friends, and learning through trial and error.
Today, much of childhood is shaped by phones and screens instead. This shift affects how young people learn to socialise, take risks, manage boredom, and develop independence.
At the same time, many parents (with the best of intentions) have become more protective in the offline world, delaying unsupervised play, independent exploration and everyday problem-solving. Yet in the online world, children often have far more freedom, even though the risks are less understood.
How Screen Time Affect Relationships
Screen time naturally draws our attention away from the here and now. Haidt describes how they make us “forever elsewhere,” pulling us away from the people right in front of us, even our own children.
They can act as “experience blockers,” replacing:
- deep connection with shallow interactions,
- patient effort with instant gratification,
- real-world risks with high-risk online behaviour,
- and meaningful play with constant scrolling.
This isn’t about blaming children, or parents. It’s about understanding the environment children are growing up in so we can support them better.
Keeping Expectations High While Staying Connected
Understanding these changes doesn’t mean lowering boundaries or excusing poor behaviour. Instead, it means adjusting the language we use and the way we respond so that our guidance lands more effectively.
One powerful shift is to lead with curiosity, not judgement. When we change the lens through which we see behaviour, we often discover the need beneath the behaviour.
Practical Ways Parents Can Support Their Child’s Regulation
You can help your child stay regulated and responsive by making small but meaningful adjustments:
1. Allow “take‑up time.”
When you give an instruction, pause for a minute before repeating or escalating. Children often need a moment to switch attention, process what’s been said, and adjust their behaviour.
2. Try using: “I’ve noticed… How can I help?”
For example:
- “I’ve noticed you’re finding it hard to start your homework. How can I help?”
- “I’ve noticed you seem upset since you got home. How can I help?”
This approach is:
- calm,
- non‑accusatory,
- open, and
- invites your child to work with you rather than against you.
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